Xmas is approaching and many amongst us find ourselves feeling anxious and unsettled. While some people have families to share the holidays, others do not. Families who may not have been in touch over the year, feel the pull of ‘doing the right thing’ and reconnecting – if only for the day. Other people reflect on memories past and feel a little lost without close ties to comfort them. Sometimes the rituals and traditions we embrace so faithfully, aren’t even our own. Furthermore it’s possible to commence the pattern of overreacting and underreacting as an attempt to downplay anxiety and respond to stress within our family.

So how do we manage our Xmas anxiety and move towards more balance and centeredness when we are tempted to distrust, blame and judge people, particularly those close to us? When these feelings arise it is often a sign that there is something we have not attended to in our own life. Potentially, some unfinished business.

As with most cases of over reaction, lots of emotions are vented.  However, the authentic underlying feelings are rarely expressed. Over focusing on what other people are doing wrong, and becoming reactive about it, is a fairly common response to anxiety. Other people distance and become silent, thinking but not saying, passive aggressive behaviours can emerge in an attempt to make a point without speaking clearly or honestly.

Harriot Lerner employs the metaphor, “strike when the iron is cold”. When feeling anxious, it may help to “practise the pause.” Wait for a day or two to see if anxiety dissipates. Waiting also allows us to prepare a clearer response, or tune into our vulnerability and gain perspective. Easy to say of course, yet not as easy to achieve. We have to practise this skill.

The capacity to calm down, think and respond, rather than react, is where real change becomes possible. When we stop filtering our life experience through another, we can stop our projection thinking and a problem can almost disappear. If we force ourselves to think of something we appreciate about a person, it often brings fresh energy to the relationship and concerns become less serious.

Many people wait for others to make a move or to do something positive before they are willing to open up and respectfully share what is on their mind.  Some of us delay our decisions as we are afraid of what may happen. However when we examine the cause of our anxiety and broaden the way we respond to it, we will always be less vulnerable to feeling unsettled and unsafe.

When faced with unfair family demands, do you find yourself thinking?

  1. I am afraid of their disapproval.
  2. I am afraid of their anger.
  3. I owe it to them.
  4. It is my duty.
  5. I will feel too guilty if I don’t.
  6. I will feel selfish/ unloving/ greedy/ mean if I don’t.
  7. I won’t be a good person if I don’t.
  8. They have done so much for me I cannot say no.
  9. Perhaps they will leave me if I don’t agree. (Adapted from Forward, S. 2001. pg. 224)

It is scary to make a stand and speak the truth, particularly when we give our family the choice to accept or not to accept our decisions. We want people to agree with what we want, not oppose it. We often feel that expressing our needs is similar to making demands. In truth it is inviting a collaborative discussion and in so doing, discover a more meaningful, honest relationship.

The consequences of not speaking up for yourself are serious, as over time we become less and less sure of who we are. Sharing truth with family, although challenging, makes it possible to become emotionally stronger, healthier and more confident. Anxiety is lessened, and we have begun to master our reactivity and respectfully emphasize our responses.

Nobody can predict what changes may occur as you begin to change. Perhaps by modelling this new behaviour you are giving family members permission to do the same. Facing our anxiety and speaking truthfully enables a sense of calmness and centeredness that can prove to be very rewarding, even life changing, to all who partake.

Speak to a therapist over Xmas, discover new ways to communicate with renewed clarity and respect. Nothing is more joyful than lessening anxiety’s grip and strengthening your peaceful heart.

References.

Forward, S.,( 1998).  Emotional Blackmail. Harper Collins Publishers: N.Y.

Lerner,H., ( 2004 )  The Dance of Fear. Harper Collins Publishers: N.Y.