Nearly everyone has a deep need to be acknowledged, to be recognized and accepted for who they truly are.  However, many people are knowingly and callously influenced, and emotionally harmed, by others.  This learning translates to a sense that they have no value. When people believe that they are insignificant, they can generate certain patterns and behaviours to keep their views and perceptions alive. Shame transports people to a place of loneliness and isolation.

Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it may be experienced outwardly. Guilt provides us with examples of behaviour which convert to judgements about something we have done. Shame on the other hand, can be internal, living at our core, with an inference more about who we are. Sadly, shame is often unobserved by people close to us.  Very few people will acknowledge or speak about their shame.  As a result, shame becomes increasingly intense and frequently unbearable. It has the ability to contaminate a person’s life and change it forever. Where the upside or more positive role of guilt may be to teach us that it is normal to make mistakes, the positive aspect of shame may simply be to protect and prevent us from doing more of the same again and again.

Childhood shame will regularly appear as a result of continual parent or carer hostility. At times it stems from a family caretaker’s inability to recognise positive behaviour. The more prone someone is to feeling shame, the more likely they are to experience self-doubt. Shame pushes people into adopting behaviours that practise self-harming regimes. Shame’s clever control baits people by encouraging them to blame others. It seduces people into carrying resentments and discourages others from showing up as who they are. As such, the message becomes “it is better to hide.”

Words such as: “What is the matter with you?” “What would people think of you if they knew?” “You look ridiculous!” “Don’t you have any pride?” “You are such an idiot”. ”I can’t stand it when you do that.” “What’s wrong with you anyway?” “You will never amount to anything!” “I wish you were never born!”  “Why do you always do this to me?” “You are worthless!” etc. can leave a lasting mark on a person’s sense of self. Neglect or lack of communication can be even worse. Perpetrators of this nature leave deep emotional scars on their victims, particularly children.

Emotionally wounded people often lash out towards others in their families. Hence the term, ‘hurt people, hurt people’. Generally, people do not hurt their families and friends because they truly want to hurt them. Many hurt their families and friends out of the desire to be “acknowledged” – and out of the mistaken belief and feeling that they are worthless and not accepted.

When we feel threatened and criticised, the inner psychological message is the same: “You do not matter”  “You are a weak person.” Such personal or spiteful comments when focused on people’s behaviour can humiliate and wound for a lifetime. Current research provides us with strong evidence of wounded people turning to alcohol, drugs, other addictive behaviours, or even becoming impulsive criminals. Acts like this often create beliefs in children and construct patterns of becoming a tireless people pleaser. “If I behave, if I do what you want me to, you will see me and love me for who I am.” Some adults take a very long time to recognise and change this deeply entrenched pattern within themselves.

Every person overcoming shame needs to experience reliable and credible sources of support and acceptance. The more we can trust the people in our life, the more we begin to discover new ways to satisfy our core needs. People who’ve been deeply shamed simply want love, acceptance and trust. Some people find a mate who understands, loves, and values them. Others find friends who can accept, care for, and value them unconditionally. Therapy sessions can also reconstruct a strong sense of self, helping to end the disrespectful and dishonouring self-talk.

Overcoming and healing shame takes time. However, with patience, and some hard work, it is possible to “find and love your peaceful heart”.

 

References

Brene, Brown: (2012). Daring Greatly. Penguin Random House N.Y.

Schore, Allan: (2003.) Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self.

Tangney & Dearing: (2007) Shame and Guilt. 2002.