Couples often come to counselling at the end of their relationship.  Each time, I feel a sense of sadness about how easy it has become for two people to use language and words that criticise, belittle and destroy each other. Unfortunately, when couples find themselves in this pattern of behaviour, the outcome normally results in people doing and saying anything to get their point across. They want to prove to their partner that they were right and it is their partner’s place to understand how hurt they feel and fix it. When it comes to hurting a relationship, every person in the family becomes a stakeholder, including the kids.

I often find that one person decides to take on more of the repair work. The other partner frequently provides advice on what their partner needs to do to improve. However, this approach is very unlikely to work. The truth is that both people know exactly what to do. All we require as proof to appreciate this is to listen to the commitment vows they willingly shared with each other. What happened to those beautiful words, once written and guided by love? When people begin to focus on the small things that irritate them, they begin to practise the blame game. They bring revenge, nagging, judgment, criticism and control into important discussions. When that happens, love decides to leave the room. One-upmanship and wanting to win become the dominant communication styles.

I do not wish to downplay the realities of life. The ups and downs of daily living together does take its toll. Children, older parents, financial challenges and the baggage we bring from unresolved issues in our past, all play a huge part in whether a couple can withstand and manage the upheavals that inevitably come their way. Life is one thing after another.  In addition, to further complicate matters, intimacy is normally the primary thing to decline.

One of the initial questions I normally ask in therapy is, “Is this a relationship worth saving”? If the answer is yes, we have a chance to work on the part each person plays the relationship demise. If the answer is no, we work on ways to become the best person possible throughout the transition to dissolve the partnership.

Everyone loses their way at times and sadly some learn the required lessons too late for healing that particular relationship. Not too late however, for reflecting on behaviours and patterns that got couples stuck in the first place. Regardless, when people are willing to focus on themselves and they have the capacity to own and change their destructive patterns with practice and therapy. They can learn to become happier, healthier versions of themselves for the next time someone special walks into their life.

We need kindness and compassion to heal infidelities, breached trust, sadness and frayed connections.  While these things do take time, as people are willing to put aside the “But why should I go first thoughts” and step up they find their partner begins to understand that it’s time to invest energy into some of the groundwork that necessitates personal attention. Here are some ideas that may prove helpful.

  • Start with your choice of words and find respectful language to share tough conversations with your partner.
  • Go back and revisit the ideas you had when you first found each other and felt so alive with emotion.
  • Choose three nice things to tell your partner each day for one month. Notice the difference it makes in the way they respond to you.
  • Eliminate negative comments and replace them with loving gestures and thoughtful considerate behaviours.
  • Make time to sit and listen to your partner’s concerns, don’t butt in or present helpful tips unless invited to do so. Be curious about the ideas they may have.
  • Offer to do some chores, unlike the ones you normally do. Helping around the home is a great way to score brownie points and move the relationship into a better place.
  • Keep your word. No matter how small your agreements are, keeping your word builds trust and respect between you.
  • Say ONLY what you mean. Don’t tell your partner you are going to break up if that is NOT your intention. Be real and walk your talk.
  • Check your voice tone. Research reveals how the tone of voice can contribute to how a person receives a message. Be clear and gentle in your delivery. Most people can hear all concerns if they are presented with softness and good intentions.

Although this is not a promise to guarantee a connection, by following these simple guidelines, I feel it may be possible to find your way back to a place where communication can begin.  Are you willing to give it a go? Is your preference to invite harmony and closeness back into your relationship? What is better than strengthening your bond and joining with each other in love? Both sharing your peaceful hearts.

Yours in Therapy.

Jill Bayly.

References.

Gottman, John. M., & Silver, Nan.,(2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Random House: N.Y.