We have all met people whose adult children appear to be “problem free.” Other people, some of whom we know and love, raise offspring who come into the world presenting a range of challenging predicaments. Despite the fact that these kids were raised with tons of love, the best of intentions, much wise counsel and continual guidance, they wind up being problematic. Maturity, experience and severe consequences, provide no disincentive to move beyond their many challenges.

So how do we as parents, empower our kids to live life effectively on their own terms? How do we stand back and allow our grown children to make mistakes again and again without feeling a burning desire to step in and clean up the mess? Sure, we may fix the problem, but in doing so we run a real risk of damaging our relationship with them. Rescuing people is never a means of valid support. These adult kids often retain an ongoing need for dependency and as a result, a lack of self-assurance or desire to stand on their own and problem solve capably.

Letting go of our adult children is a learned, often lifetime process. I truly empathise with parents having experienced a child who has grown to adulthood and made choices that cause anxiety and pain. Being excluded from our child’s life penetrates deeply into our heart, particularly if we are still at a loss as to what went wrong.  Learning to let go of our adult kids whose values and lifestyle are in conflict with ours is truly agonizing. Many of us keep trying to motivate our child to change.

Trying to convince our adult child to accept how things “should be,” from our point of view, often creates a deeper rift. Our expectations only serve to remind us of how some young adults unmistakably refuse to follow the blue print and the optimism we held so patiently for them. Naturally, as parents, we all want change, and at times, change may well be the best for them. However wanting change is not the problem, attempting to get others to change is what creates the major difficulty.

We read the books, speak to the experts and faithfully follow the instructions, frequently to no avail. Try as we may, we cannot change our grown children. Conceivably our son or daughter may withhold information from us because we use that information to criticise them for not living as we believe they should. Some parents keep blaming their child for causing pain in the family. Anger prevents them from acknowledging their part in the rift and how they may have contributed to the damaged relationship. When parents and adult children play the blame game, nobody wins. It’s a two way street.

Ignoring our own contribution to a rift is like trying to start the car without petrol. When we view our family situation realistically, it allows us to accept what is true today. Values and lifestyle are no longer seen as a ‘rift’, but as the realism that we do not have to agree on everything in order to have a satisfying relationship. Certainly, when a child’s lifestyle is potentially life threatening as in drug taking, alcohol, or severe degrees of mental illness, it is far more difficult. However learning to have an adult to adult relationship makes it possible to find more harmony, even under the most difficult of circumstances.

It may be likely we could become a more balanced person without so much focus on control. Could we learn to respond instead of reacting emotively each time some issue is to be faced? Why are we so willing to engage in issues that keep us engaged in the game of who is right and who is wrong? It is important to remember who is in charge of our thoughts and emotions.

Learning to accept both the positive and the negative ways in which we have influenced our adult children helps us to develop a healthier, more realistic perspective of life as a whole. Additionally by dealing openly and honestly with our disappointment, we create an opportunity to change ourselves.

It is worthwhile determining whether we’re someone always giving to others but feeling unnoticed or unappreciated. This maybe because we have a private agenda; seeking love that is built into our motivation to maintain the relationship. Therefore our goal is to examine whether our interaction with the adult child leaves us feeling empowered or disempowered. (Myss,C.)

Perhaps by facing the truth that we may need to shift the focus from our adult child to ourselves, may permit us to create a space where healing can begin. As we navigate through our own issues, our incomplete connections, we might more easily help our child resolve their issues when he or she asks for our help.

Adult children provide us with a wonderful opportunity for self-discovery. Maybe it is time to examine our thinking.

Changing the relationship with our adult children requires patience, strength, creativity and hard work. There are no short cuts. We all need gentle reminders to help us become unstuck within unhealthy patterns. Changing ourselves and healing family conflict will forever bring us closer to our adult children. So, isn’t it time to find and enjoy your peaceful heart?

Yours in therapy, Jill Bayly.

References.

Harder, A. (1994) Letting go of our Adult Children. BOB Adams Inc., Holbrook. M. A. USA.

 Wisdom for Healing in Personal Empowerment, Carolyn Myss.