In an ideal world, we could accept people as independent individuals and become comfortable with their differing needs and struggles, including their imperfections.  Uncompromising expectations may then possibly fade away, perhaps even become non-existent. People in return for this esteem, could at that point, reciprocate harmoniously with us. But is the idea of communication with very little expectation in adult to adult relationships realistic, or even conceivable?

Expectations often fool us into believing we can change or sway the behaviour of people within our circle of influence. Think for a moment about our adult children and the countless times we wish they had become more of what we’d anticipated to be valuable for their lives.  Conceivably, we may have held visions of them taking care of us in older age, marrying someone with a degree of sameness, or maintaining a vocation in line with an inherited livelihood or family profession.

Hopes for an enhanced description of our future may include expectations for a self-directed position of authority with a generous salary.  Expectations that our neighbours will apologise first when discrepancies occur, may determine the value of our friendships. Couples In committed relationships may hold expectations that their partner will always be authentic and truthful, and while women in relationships often devise hope that a man will change, men may hold an instinctive expectation that a woman will not.

We cannot change people, but examining openly and honestly our commitment to hardnosed expectations may offer a path to transformation. Mature development can often be characterised by the capacity for self-reflection. Recognising and dealing with the aspects in our own personality that keep us focused on the view point of others, rather than on ourselves and our need to change, is vital for profound and fundamental development.

Whether we experience a small amount or a great deal of frustration, we have probably already discovered that heavy handed harassment or substantial payoffs will not translate into our family becoming more of what we envisaged they would be.  Deadlocks result from excluding, rather than embracing certain aspects of each other.

If we can accept people for who they are, including their imperfections and conflicting values, they may possibly accept us in return. The minute we discover that people or situations have not met our expectations, we often feel disappointed. Being disappointed does not mean we necessarily have to be forever stuck. Nevertheless, disappointment, anger and blame will keep us engaged in unproductive efforts to change situations no longer under our control. We must learn to let go of high ideals with love.

Idyllically we all aim for a healthy balance between the multiplicities of thoughtful kindness that make living more enjoyable. Our lives are enhanced by the company of other people, however it is always probable that someone may deceive us. People often let us down because they are simply thoughtless, not essentially because they hold intentions to deliberately hurt us.

In her book The Universal Heart, (2000) Stephanie Dowrick provides us with some great tips for exchanging expectations into thoughts of reassurance towards yourself and others.

  • Consider whether your expectations are reasonable.
  • Don’t wait for other people to make things better. Do it yourself and discover that you can.
  • Question your assumptions frequently. They may be past their use by date.
  • Make no demands in the name of love. They are invariably manipulative.
  • Let go of past hurts, move into a livelier experience of this moment.
  • Take the pressure of your most important relationships.
  • Let go of any excuses that perpetrate hurtful or self-limiting behaviours.
  • Let go of resentment. It fosters self-absorption.
  • Expect less and less of people. Free them from your expectations.

Look for patterns in your behaviour where expectations have blocked your ability to make realistic conclusions about people close to you. Learn to be aware of how you react and respond to situations beyond the scope of your control.  Every journey begins with a single step. In the journey of personal change and transformation, once you have taken the first step you have already travelled a fair distance towards finding and enjoying your peaceful heart.

Yours in Therapy,

Jill Bayly.

References:

Dowrick, S., (2000) The Universal Heart. Penguin Books: Australia.

Hendricks, G., (2000). Conscious Living. Harper Collins: New York.