Speaking of anger, what exactly qualifies this simple emotion to intensify power and press so many of our reactive buttons?

Today’s society continually advocates that outbursts of anger are unhealthy. We accommodate this idea by adopting a range of techniques in order to suppress our emotion and hide extreme feelings — but when anger turns up it has a strong message for us and, if we are wise, we will sit up and take notice.

The well-known author Harriett Learner suggests that “if feeling anger signals a problem, then venting anger does not solve it”. Expressing rage and anger meets with passionate disapproval: people walk away, distance themselves, or push back with a variation of their own frustration. Instead of examining our state of mind and clearly expressing our needs or displeasures, we lash out, then bury emotion and cleverly conceal the core of our feelings. We learn that showing emotion — in particular the strong emotion that accompanies an angry protest — cannot and will not be tolerated.

When someone we care about voices their anger and projects it towards us, we normally try to trace and expose the source; we look for reasons why and attempt to explain or justify. We come up with excuses such as, ‘Oh, that was really the drink talking,’ or, ‘she will be fine, she is just hungry’, ‘he is only upset because he lost at the races’ or ‘the boss never controls his emotions when he is under pressure’. However, looking for excuses serves only to keep people stuck and safe; the consequence is that nothing ever changes or improves. Unhealthy behaviours are accepted and remain intact, meaning opportunities for growth and learning are lost.

Expressing anger can also include conveying fear. People who struggle with inner conflict may find it difficult to manage their thoughts and emotions successfully. Many of us develop anger patterns; we learn, through a combination of trial and error, which anger response will serve to satisfy our needs and give us the rewards we seek. However, sitting below the surface of anger we often find tears and anxiety. Nobody wants to face fear or feel miserable, so people choose anger and then find themselves hooked and trapped in consistent and painful turmoil.

Yet anger does have an important place in our life — it’s important to discover its worth and gain respect for this tenacious attempt to protect us. Sharing honest conversations about what is bothering us, speaking up and speaking openly is paramount. To practice and operate from a healthy, assertive approach simply means learning to behave and act in a pleasant, direct and respectful manner.

Assertive people feel emotionally safe and actively share their disappointment when someone’s anger enters into a conversation. They see little reward in behaving disrespectfully and have no need to scream and yell. Assertive people find it easy to speak out against anger’s surreptitious invitation to disturb, overpower and unsettle people. Self-confident people discuss and share clear boundaries; they offer respect and establish integrity, without a desire or intent to criticise, blame or humiliate another.

So, who owns the anger problem? Perhaps we all do. Exploring this question can be a good way to discover how the anger in our lives will manifest and reveal a sense of compromise or a well concealed struggle. Alternatively, anger helps us to become aware of how other people are using their rage to solve problems. We begin to appreciate that sometimes anger can belong to another and how, intuitively, we may be taking responsibility for the actions of others. We protect people with assumed submission and our implicit pacts.

Learning to recognise anger signals is an intelligent and wise exercise. Tuning in to the first indicators of anger provides opportunity for us to choose our response with care. Coaching on the art of self-soothing offers people strategies to manage and contain anger when there is a sense of losing self-discipline. Walking away from people who yell, scream and vent their anger, will help us to prevent situations from becoming either dangerous, unsafe or incredibly disappointing.

The more we enlarge our focus to include a broader picture, the less we will use anger in a negative or unproductive way. When feeling angry with someone, remember that becoming derailed is part of a process. Don’t participate in intellectual debates and don’t expect people to anticipate or understand your needs without clear input from you.

If anger shows up in your life, take a long slow and deep breath, step back and ask yourself:

  • What has this anger turned up to teach me?
  • Who really owns this anger?
  • Who is responsible for what?
  • What do I want to accomplish?
  • Is there another way to deal with this?

There are many tools to help prevent and manage anger. Moving differently is a great way to learn about yourself and others. Professional Therapy offers useful techniques to attain clarity, confidence, positivity and assertiveness in daily communications. Speak to a therapist today, and claim your peaceful heart.

References. Hoff, L.A., (2001), People in Crisis. Jossey Bass. San Francisco CA.

Lerner, H. The Dance of Anger. San Francisco C.A.

Muller, R.T., (2010) Trauma and the Avoidant Client. Library of Congress. USA.