Studies show that when people feel secure they reach out and connect to others and feel more peaceful within themselves. When we feel emotionally connected, it is easier to manage the ups and downs in our relationships and our lives.

However, when a loving connection fades or becomes lost, people generally go into freeze, fight or flight mode. Couples move away rather than moving closer. They stop speaking and communicating and often play a game called ‘who is wrong, who is right.’ When people feel emotionally safe, there is more room for openness and deeper levels of sentiment. Consequently, a sensitive issue or problem may be carefully revealed.

Well-known psychiatrist Dr William Glasser (2011) explains how a need for love and belonging is wired into our genes. As social creatures, our personal values dictate many of our preferences. We choose to belong to religions, politics, cultures, clubs or organisations. While this practice may satisfy our basic need for belonging, the need for love is not so easily achieved.

Finding deep and nurturing love involves somebody who willingly shares our love and wants to return this affection to us. As a loving partnership grows and thrives, matters arise and concerns become more intricate and puzzling. While love provides emotional protection, we quickly discover that basic needs such as survival, freedom and fun, may be easier to acquire and certainly far less complex.

Today’s world promotes the importance of pursuing independence and self-sufficiency. People struggle to see the wisdom and significance of inviting another to view the degree of sensitivity within their emotional pain. They find themselves adopting a public face, a mask of indifference, non-committal language or merely an awkward silence.

When people feel insecure or unsure of themselves they seek the wisdom of others. Men often speak of sadness, rejection, inadequacy, shame and guilt. Women talk about indiscretion, being let down, loneliness, abandonment or a sense of being punished by emotional cut-off and more often physical detachment.

For this reason, people who are dealing with some kind of trauma tend to hold back from telling their partner what is happening. They believe they must be able to deal with the problem or believe that others may not sympathise or understand. This leads to frustration, anxiety, stress, and translates to all kinds of unhealthy behaviours.

Everybody is capable of altering their behaviour when they believe their relationship is under threat. Some revisions are quite out of character and designed to gain attention. Other behaviours project unkindly toward their partner, creating disharmony and a lack of understanding.

When couples face the fear of loss, they make demands rather than requests and give orders rather than invitations. Couples fighting may often be traced to an unconscious protest over an imminent emotional disconnection. Each one points out their perception of the relationship breakdown in language similar to “You’re not capable of etc.’, or ‘You’re so lazy’ etc. which then invites powerful emotional reaction in the other such as “And you are always telling me what to do”. These actions tend to lead to further distancing and can end up in a pattern resembling an ultimatum or withdrawal type of power play.

When we can step back from playing the game of ‘who is right and who is wrong’, things begin to change. Sharing our disappointment and fear, rather than our anger and frustration, provides an opportunity for our partner to listen and hear what is really at stake.

Life is easier when we feel safe, Sociologist James House (1988) shares “suffering is a given, suffering alone is intolerable”. Research makes known that high blood pressure can be an indicator of an unhappy relationship, while distress in a relationship can affect the immune and the hormonal system. Psychiatrist John Bowlby (1973) speaks of ‘emotional starvation’. His studies reveal how loving contact is just as important as physical nutrition. Bowlby claimed that turning to others for support and comfort (effective dependency), was central to safe physical and emotional closeness and “to ignore this, was to do so at great cost” (1969)

It is always easier to solve a problem when everyone can agree on what the problem is. Keep in mind that our partner’s ‘difference’ is a wonderful way for us to learn and a good place to start. People who push our buttons help us to discover much about our personal values and unique sense of self. This valuable knowledge helps us to comprehend what we stand for, what we do not stand for, and what is important.

To enjoy and experience strong and lasting love, we must appreciate it is not a mark of failure to be overwhelmed by difficult situations. We do not need to be clever or witty, wise or wealthy. We just need to show up’ and be real, and be willing to dig deep and share the heart and core of our problems with our partner.

Speak to a therapist today and uncover and expose the underlying issue pushing your emotional pain to the surface. Seek the insight of a professional therapist when you are feeling insecure or unsure. Therapy helps us unlock our hurt and heal our pain. Taking the necessary steps to reconnect and rediscover your loving relationship means you will be better positioned to reach out and quietly connect with your peaceful heart.