The Oxford dictionary defines the word kindness as “The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate”. The Dalai Lama speaks of kindness: “When we feel love and kindness towards others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. What is important is that we each make a sincere effort to take seriously our responsibility for each other and for the natural environment”.
Many people claim they possess personal characteristics that are essentially kind. Does this image resonate with you? And if I invited you to identify five things you had done lately to confirm that opinion, how simple would that task be? My invitation also extends to times you have been kind to yourself. As we practise love and kindness, it is always essential to include ourselves. What if we were to ask a close friend to nominate five deeds of kindness that they had observed you bestowing of late? Would their response be similar or more inspirational?
Everyone can appreciate how a special act of kindness will make us feel. So why is it that we almost never ask the people we love how they would like us to behave? Are we secretly nervous about what we might hear as they respond? On the other hand, it can be interesting to appreciate what counts as kindness. Some behaviours, while intentionally kind, may do more harm than good. An example of this is enabling people. Research often mentions enabling as being empowered. However, enabling can also mean preventing someone from doing things they are completely capable of doing themselves. While we may consider this type of practice as displaying kindness, over time, it can create actual damage to a person’s sense of self.
People who habitually enable dysfunctional behaviour are often defined as being co-dependent. For instance; a person who makes excuses for a family member’s abuse is enabling unhealthy, antisocial behaviour. A person who continually lends money to someone, knowing they will never pay it back is enabling a lack of accountability. A parent who does everything for their child is enabling irresponsibility and less motivation. To encourage and promote resilience and self-efficacy we need to be aware of kindness overload. Too much well-meaning consideration, at times can generate its own problems.
It’s often said there’s not enough kindness in the world. Every day we witness the benefits of treating others with love, as well as the sad consequences of not doing so. Is it possible to gain insight into how a more benevolent world may look? Perhaps love and kindness may be the much awaited presence whose time has now emerged.
In spite of little formal research on kindness, studies do highlight the positive impact that kindness has on mental health. Good deeds open the doors to many possibilities, for example, lasting friendship, meaningful connections, the chance for love, and much more.
Deepak Chopra advocates that “if our state of being is centred in love and compassion, we communicate that energy to each other. Rather than adding to the turmoil with knee-jerk reactions of fear, blame, or anger, you can focus your attention on being the presence of peace, loving kindness, and compassion.”
Tips to encourage kindness within ourselves.
- Become very acquainted with your wise self.
- Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do.
- Make it a priority to have fun.
- Be sincere and thankful.
- Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.
- Speak honestly and openly about things that matter to you.
- Find new ways to love and nurture yourself.
- Be willing to laugh at yourself.
Tips for sharing kindness with others.
- Expand your capacity to care.
- Remain genuinely interested in other people.
- Practise forgiveness.
- Respect people’s right to live differently from you.
- Walk away from power games.
- Make time available for good friends, even when it’s inconvenient.
- Demonstrate genuine compassion for animal welfare.
- Consider what you could do to help heal our planet.
As we learn to send love and compassion to others and show genuine compassion for our animal friends, we demonstrate gentleness to our planet and things begin to change. Kindness and love are virtues that carry a double blessing. They transform both the person being kind and the recipient of the kindness. (Koenig. 2006) This in turn, translates to relishing your peaceful heart.
Yours in Therapy,
Jill Bayly.
References.
Koenig, H.G., (2006) Kindness and Joy Expressing the Gentle Love. Templeton Foundation Press USA.
https://beherenownetwork.com/dalai-lamas-policy-kindness/
https://chopra.com/articles/be-the-presence-of-compassion-and-peace.
Dear Jill,
Once again your blog has created in-depth moments of reflection for me over the last few days. Whilst I felt comfortable with reflecting on whether or not my interactions with others reflected “kindness” as defined by the Oxford dictionary and equally reasonably comfortable in reflecting on whether or not my way of being in the world reflected Deepak Chopra’s recommended way of being with others, (at least some of the time), however, reflecting on whether or not I enabled others quickly removed any sense of comfort I may have been feeling.
Sadly, although my boundaries with clients and students are implicit, my boundaries with various family members have, in the past, frequently collapsed. In these moments my decision making would be heart guided and I would rationalise the giving, believing, although past experience had evidenced otherwise. Changing this behaviour has been a protracted journey with a relapse or two along the way.
With regards to kindness to myself Jill, I am aware of the need for this and try to daily raise my own awareness to the little things I daily do for self that are in fact moments of kindness.
Thanks for lessons learnt and moments spent in quiet reflection
Take care
Eileen
.