“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” ― Corrie ten Boom.
Current evidence confirms how finding the ability to practise heartfelt forgiveness permits us to create a sense of peace and tranquillity. Yet forgiveness is often elusive and tends to come only after extensive personal contemplation. Many of us truly struggle to forgive people who we truly believe have harmed us in some manner. Perhaps instinctively, we believe that holding fast to resentment can translate into an imperceptible punishment for our unresponsive “wrongdoer”.
Forgiveness of itself is a deeply frank and personal practice that each and every one of us will define and comprehend in our own way. Consequently, could it be feasible that forgiveness is simply an act belonging solely within the realms of individual discernment?
Many celebrated researchers outline the benefits of forgiveness and explain how regular practice can influence our lives. The Mayo Clinic (2017), teaches that learning to forgive helps us to create:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Higher self-esteem
Is forgiveness more acceptable as a cultural idea? Can we come to terms with certain experiences that radically change our life? And why is it often easier for us to forgive some people, yet not forgive others? Additionally, how do we continue to love someone yet not find a means to forgive him or her? On the other hand, why do other people find it possible to forgive, but impossible to forget? And finally, what makes it reasonable to elect not to spend time with a designated guilty party?
Possibly we are able to acknowledge that forgiveness is a process, a practice, which demands ongoing consideration, careful review and timely evaluation, and one that challenges any single or limited definition. The Mayo Clinic’s approach includes the description that, “forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change”. The following ideas are suggestions. To begin you might:
- Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at this time.
- Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well being.
- Make a decision and actively choose to forgive the person who has offended you.
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life.
- Reflect on times you’ve hurt others, and on those who’ve forgiven you.
- Do your best to keep an open heart and mind.
- Respect yourself and do what seems best.
- Think of forgiveness with regard to how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.
How then do these ideas differ if we are not offering forgiveness, but seek forgiveness from another? If we offer a sincere apology and commit to changing our ways and doing what is possible to make amends, does this proposal guarantee forgiveness from someone who has been deeply hurt? Possibly not. Self-respect can become fragile and fleeting within the context of damaged relationships. It is challenging to open ourselves up to someone else’s pain, particularly when they attribute the fundamental discomfort and mistake to us.
Perhaps the most we can realistically hope for is to regain a sense of personal dignity. As our sense of self begins to reveal compassion and empathy, we permit ourselves to feel vulnerable, admit mistakes and to apologise when we have hurt another. Learning to understand and appreciate both our capabilities and our limitations is an important lesson on the road to forgiveness.
Exploring the various possibilities will allow us all to move thoughtfully and selflessly towards our desire and hope for forgiveness. Make time this week to talk about the options available.
Call upon your courage, for it is always possible to find and heal your peaceful heart.
Yours in therapy,
Jill Bayly.
REFERENCES.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-
Beautiful work Jill. Such a forgotten topic and something we all need to practice much more often. We all carry our hurts and find it so much easier to blame others rather than forgive them. Forgiving takes away a lot of the hurt and allows us to move on with our hearts intact. Thank you
Very thoughtful post as usual Jill.
I have been stuck with this issue for many, many years. Decades. And as you seem to agree with, there are just as many questions as answers with this difficult topic. I have spent countless hours with this subject and while I have been aware of the benefits of forgiveness for a long time, it didn’t help, and forgiveness remained elusive for me. Perhaps because the offender was unrepentant? Perhaps it was just because I was firmly stuck in my role as victim.
I did some deep work this year with a local counsellor, and finally I managed this step: “Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life”. While not quite forgiveness yet, it is a huge and long overdue step in the right direction and a massive load off my shoulders.I’m not sure if true forgiveness will ever come, but at least I feel I have my dignity back and no longer feel the pain and memories and depression I used to feel in their presence.
Thank you for the reminder to commit to this process of change. 45 years is a LONG time to carry such a heavy stone as I have done, but perhaps there is time and hope yet.