Challenging conversations will always test us. They require us to look hard at ourselves, and at times to change and grow. In the presence of strong feelings, a significant number of people struggle to remain rational. One explanation may be that at the heart of various challenging conversations lie strong emotions and deep sensitivity.

True and honest communication has the intent of shared understanding and more importantly the desire to gain insight into another point of view. However, if we feel threatened, as with impending and challenging conversations, communication can become strategic and manipulative. The minute that we converse to intimidate, threaten, disapprove, punish, find fault or make someone feel guilty, we are misusing communication. We may succeed in controlling, but inevitably we will lose trust and create resentment within the other party (D. Stone, B. Patton and S. Heen. 1999).

Anytime we feel vulnerable or the potential is there for our self-esteem to get a shaking up, we try to avoid speaking openly. Expertly negotiating pathways around the direct approach, we artistically invent reasons why a challenging conversation would ‘not work anyway’, we search for reasons to back down or to discontinue the idea of engaging in a problematic conversation. We formulate excuses such as “I don’t want any more arguments”, “I am under a lot of pressure right now”, “They would not listen anyway” or “Speaking up will only make things worse”. Nobody wants to invite additional conflict, and for that reason there is no incentive to reveal our genuine feelings.

Unspoken feelings can influence a conversation in a number of ways. They alter our emotional state and show up in our tone of voice. Unnamed feelings express themselves in facial expressions and body language, causing others to disengage. People notice this and simply withdraw and shut us out. Strong feelings are too powerful to remain bottled up. (D. Stone, B. Patton and S. Heen. 1999)

Even so many of us prefer not to share feelings. Possibly we fear the other person will use our vulnerability against us, or we believe that revealing an honest side to our personality could result in unpleasant consequences. Perhaps we sense the real potential for sabotaging future creative conversations. The minute we share feelings and thoughts with an attitude of resentment, it is almost impossible for the person we are resenting to remain open to us. We must begin to observe our own part in a challenging conversation and take responsibility for the times we arouse or motivate the responses we get.

Experience tells us the closer we get to someone, the easier it is to feel hurt or be hurt. When we are continually criticised and confronted it is difficult to accept accountability, or to acknowledge our personal contribution in a provocative conversation. Feeling offended by someone else’s behaviour often results in assuming the worst. However insincere another person’s intentions may appear to us, it is possible our thoughts are exaggerated or incorrect and we may be mistaken. The question is:  to avoid, or to confront that encounter and its conversation?

Moving from defensiveness to genuine curiosity about another person’s position is more important than proving our point in a challenging conversation. If we don’t listen attentively or our mind is already made up, the other person quickly figures out we have our own agenda.

Similarly with advice giving, this approach can leave someone feeling unheard and disrespected. It pays to remember that not all perplexing conversations are resolved in one session. And not every problematic conversation needs an instant solution. People become empowered when they are encouraged to unearth their own solution, predictably fortified with the adeptness of accomplished and curious questioning.

On the other hand, I question if it is always essential to speak out and be honest. It may be wise to consider abstaining from speaking when we feel angry or intense, or when the other person cannot give us their full attention. Projecting strong emotion onto another is counterproductive.

Here are a few tips to consider before entering into a difficult conversation.

  • Communicate with the chief intent to understand.
  • Respect other people’s difference; consider other perspectives.
  • Release negative judgement; open up.
  • Take responsibility for the part that you own in the circumstance.
  • Strive to understand the deep feelings that lie beneath what is said.
  • Draw the line at insults and make this clear.
  • Remember that while advice may be helpful, it may not be helpful to everyone.
  • Keep in mind that women and men react differently to stressful conversations.

Learning to feel confident in challenging conversations requires us to practice “I statements”. Genuine “I statements” only reveal information about the speaker and do not contain remarks about other people.  Constructive “I statements” keep difficult conversations from escalating into all-out war.

Set some time aside to book a therapy session. Learn how to implement positive “I statements” into your exchanges. This important skill will turn future challenging conversations into cooperative dialogues. With patience and practice, you move steadily towards finding your peaceful heart.

Yours in therapy,

Jill Bayly

References:

Scott S. (2002) Fierce Conversations Berkley Publishing New York.

Stone D., Patton B. & Heen, S. (1999) Difficult Conversations Penguin Group USA.