Celebrations around Christmas very often bring family to mind. Many of us reflect on times shared, both happy and sad, moving and uplifting. How is it possible, year after year, for rituals and festivities to trigger such raw emotions inside of us? Nonetheless, these sensations can summon sentiments that run deeply, causing anxiety. Family and Christmas may generate recollections of long-standing resentments and remind us of prior experiences; therefore, it is wise to be prepared if this may occur.

Our family of origin is often the keystone of when and how we learn to navigate an important relationship. While many families enjoy sharing Christmas celebrations together, countless families do not visit or communicate with each other from one year to the next. The reasons are varied; some choose not to, while others are more acquiescent. Do communal norms demand that we behave in certain ways at these get-togethers? Possibly some people secretly resent the fact that expectations of any nature are a part of any conventional family tradition.

Critical comments related to how we live our life can be hurtful. At times, we feel angry, scared and hurt; nonetheless, we can learn to speak clearly and honestly. Family challenges may seem overwhelming.  However, if we make a safe space for others and for ourselves, we can share our feelings openly. This presents a go-ahead for the other person to do the same and often-unpleasant situations may dissolve.

So how do we deal with uncomfortable feelings when gathering with people we find challenging? Is it possible to control our anxiety and apprehension when faced with frustrating topics? Of course it is.  Let us explore a few ideas.

Firstly, draw the line at insults.   Consider saving the conversation for another time when things appear more balanced between you. “I want to hear what you are saying.  It is important to hear how you feel”. “I also want you to approach me with respect” “Can we continue this conversation at a time where this could be possible for both of us?”

Let go of trying to control the other person.  Cut back on advice.  Stay in the present and focus on what is happening between you right now rather than focusing on managing micro issues. We spend about the same amount of energy just sharing happy times together, so why invite disharmony.  Finding positives in another person is likely, so recall times when you shared a memory and bring laughter into the conversation.

Let go of the need to be right. Power plays are often a consequence of the “who is right and who is wrong game”. However, in the end, nobody wins. It is important to stop our self from interrupting, making corrections or saying things to make the other person feeling unheard or cut short. There is nothing empathetic about letting a person go on and on when disrespect is evident or a conversation is at our expense. On the other hand, remaining curious is far more important than point scoring.

Take responsibility for the part of disquiet that belongs to us. Real learning can take place when responsibility is accepted.  Acknowledging a habit on your part is the first step to breaking it. It is wise to ask yourself, “What am I bringing to this conflict? Which part of this belongs to me?” True responsibility is about awareness and insight into the causes of a situation or event.  Experiment with generosity and kindness of spirit.

Learn not to make assumptions. Giving another person the benefit of a doubt offers a mark of respect. How often do we have access to detailed information? Family culture can habitually shape beliefs and assumptions. When we explore these assumptions away from the heat of a conflict, we can determine their validity, and modify our thoughts if necessary. Check in, “Do I have this right? “I want to know as I would really like to understand this situation from your side.”

If our desire to understand another person is as essential as our need to feel understood, we may have to work hard at getting past our defensiveness and move towards sincerely considering another point of view. Find something you both agree with. If you cannot find anything, simply thank the other person for their willingness to be open in the discussion.

Finally, we need to be able to listen well in order to get our own message across. There is no greater gift than the one of authentic listening; it establishes a solid ground for future relationships. Perhaps beginning with a simple ‘sorry statement’ will forge the way to happier connections in our family and a more pleasurable Christmas gathering.

Who knows? You may even discover some common ground and be well on the way to finding your peaceful heart.

Happy family Christmas.

Yours in therapy,

Jill Bayly.

References.

Johnson, S., (2008) Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown and Company. New York.

Hendricks, K and G., (1997) The Conscious Heart. Bantam Books. New York.