In the course of the recent film titled “Fences”, you may recall the conversation explaining how ‘some people build walls to keep people in, while others build walls to keep people out.’ Simply defined, “boundaries provide a structure that prevent people from crossing into each other’s space“ (Weinhold. J., 2008, Pg. 168.)

Moving from that physical perspective to a more personal perspective, Pia Mellody, refers to boundaries as “symbolic force fields” that allow you to have a sense of self.  The development and maintenance of these borders allow us to clearly define what belongs to us. In terms of personal space or intimacy, and physical or emotional safety, we need to intentionally let people know what is OK for us, and what is not.

Boundaries are normally taught to us in childhood. Our family or guardians provide insight into what determines cultural limits. A person with healthy boundaries provides clear, sustainable examples within their life, making it easier for us to follow their guidelines. Other people struggle to set boundaries, perhaps due to being starved of strong modelling, or creating a resilient orientation point to fall back upon.  However, the lack of an indeterminate state translates to ongoing challenges that are likely to result in relationships becoming compromised. Without a virtual reference point, boundaries come to be vague, communication is difficult and a sense of understanding is vastly diminished.

Boundaries fall under different categories.

  • Physical boundaries allow us to feel safe and in charge of our bodies, allowing us to say how and when we want to be touched.
  • Emotional boundaries allow us to demonstrate emotional intelligence and appreciate the difference between our feelings and those of other people.
  • Mental boundaries help us to define our thoughts and perceptions, how we view the world. We learn to share without shame and gain a sense of how we perceive life and the filters we continually apply in doing so.
  • Spiritual boundaries are often influenced by our cultural heritage or the core beliefs we hold about transcendence.

It is possible to become entangled in boundary issues in two ways. One is trespassing – when someone intrudes on your space without invitation. The other is enmeshment – the failure to honour the psychological autonomy of another- which can result in unmet needs. (Dharmawisdom.com). Taking responsibility for something other people are capable to doing themselves is not only foolish- it is a great way to lose our own self-respect.

Setting boundaries with people we love is hard. We observe their pain as we stand our ground. As caring people, it can hurt to draw a line in the sand, or to say no to people we care about. But there are limits to what we can give. Consequently, is not uncommon to receive occasional comments and pushbacks such as:

  • “You are turning your back on me when I need it most.”
  • “This is because I am not a loving person isn’t it?”
  • “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
  • “Well if you do that, I shall be forced to do this”

Boundary abuse can turn up in many dialogues:

  • Your spouse tells you what to think;
  • Your sister-in-law shares inappropriate details about her partner;
  • Your mother corrects the way you speak to your children – in front of the kids;
  • A friend tells you whom you should date;
  • Your co-worker asks for “help” with her work, but she’s really asking you to do it for her;
  • Your boss calls you at home to ask you to do the task he has neglected.

(Adapted from www.dharmawisdom. org.)

Learning to create healthy boundaries begins by paying attention to our bodies and carefully observing those close by. Using assertive statements and healing unresolved issues will also help us to create a safe space in which we can explore our own ideas, perceptions and experiences.

It is never too late to learn how to create strong, healthy, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries. The practice of assertive behaviour and setting clear boundaries can be helped with professional therapy or life coaching. So, let’s get started, give me a call today.

Yours in therapy,

Jill Bayly.

References.

Mellody.P, (2003) Facing Codependence (Harper: San Francisco.

Townsend. C, (1992), Boundaries. Zondervan Publishing House.  Grand Rapids. Michigan. USA.

Weinhold. J, & Weinhold. B, ( 2008) The Flight from Intimacy. New World Library. California.

http://dharmawisdom.org/teachings/articles/setting-personal-boundaries#sthash.YyKOsLty.dpuf