“Love is completely natural, it is the skills that bring love to life that often need to be polished or learned.” Stephanie Dowrick.

When it comes to improving our relationships, many of us will admit to feeling inexperienced and sadly lacking. In the main, we work hard to acquire outstanding and commendable skills and gain rewards with success. However, in the region of amorous relationships, much attention is needed. Vast amounts of money are generously spent learning to improve company business skills. We pour over recommended books and listen intently to experts who espouse cultivated advice. Irrespective of this wisdom, we neglect to seek professional support on how to give and share love with less demand, expectation and condition.

Stubbornly, we place great value on what our partner does for a living and find it hard to accept significant people unless we believe they “truly deserve it”. At the same time we want to be valued and loved simply and purely for being who we are.  The longing to love and care for others is vital to human nature. Nevertheless, for our love to be accessible, we expect a good return.

In the early stages of a relationship we happily overlook our partner’s differences. In fact, we often find dissimilarities extremely appealing. So what motivates us to revise our perspective and move to a position whereby we persistently look for, and find, problems in our partner? How is it possible to lose our way to the degree that we become carelessly unaware of our own emotional state? Do we all possess a secret desire to let our significant other know how superior we are?

At times we may open up to significant people in a deep and honest way. This approach makes it possible to give and receive more freely within a relationship. But what happens when frustrations or resentment get in the way? Or even our fixed ideas on what a committed love should look like?  If we presume relationships should all be upheld from a personal point of view, the chances for success can be problematic.  It is hard to imagine how this thought process could ever deepen our desired connection.

When we do not see our own values or principles reflected in a partner’s behaviour we may choose to cut them off. We begin to criticise and nag, we complain and withdraw and frequently stop communicating altogether. Perhaps we believe that falling-out will serve to teach people a lesson. Intentional practice such as this can never bring out the best in our partner. Each and every one of us appreciates that criticism is never an effective tactic, and our sarcastic, hurtful remarks are seldom, if ever, valued. Consequences of communicating like this can be severe, and subsequently end in heartache. Yet regardless of past experiences and gained insight, we persistently carry on and uphold our defensive state.

Keeping track of our intentions takes real presence of mind.  Statements such as “I honestly didn’t mean to” is a signal that we need to pay closer attention to what is really going on in our own behaviour and purposeful messages.  A shift in awareness makes it possible to think more generously, be more spontaneous and soften the need to critique and judge.

As adults, we can refuse to play mind games and hook into power plays. We become aware of forms of manipulation and the impulsive need to control. We look with greater attention at how we are treating our partner.  We choose to give up the use of sarcasm, distance and put downs. We engage in adult conversations instead of refusing to speak about what is hurtful or wrong. We can speak clearly, refine the art of positive “I” statements and remain open and genuinely interested in our partner’s point of view.

Love is nurtured by encouragement and appreciation. Love and commitment flourish when we listen and acknowledge our partners point of view. Passion heightens when we are open to loving more generously. Trust and respect increases when we share and care for each other and a heartfelt, loving and honest relationship becomes more available.

Creating the kind of love we all dream of experiencing and enjoying is undeniably possible. A joyful relationship may simply require some respectful attention, without the intrusion of your immediate concerns. Step back and appreciate how intensely your own behaviour impacts on other people. Keep in mind how sensitive your partner is to the tone of your voice, the choice of your words and how you deliver them. Remember that immense power lies within you.

Improving your relationship requires intense, selfless work, sincere commitment, unpretentious courage and genuine hope.  Engage in new skills, book an appointment and reawaken a loving relationship. In doing so, you may once again discover your peaceful heart.

Yours in therapy,

Jill Bayly.

References.

Dowrick, S. (2005) Choosing Happiness. Allen and Unwin: Crows Nest NSW. Australia.

Dowrick, S. (2000) The Universal Heart.  Penguin Books: Camberwell. Victoria Australia.

Kornfield, J. (2008) The Wise Heart. Bantam Books: New York.