Do you remember the first time you really felt someone listened to you? Listening with candid intent expresses interest, as does a gift. When mind, body and soul are fully engaged in listening then acceptance, understanding and fresh knowledge begin to surface.

Enquire and most people easily recall the name of a positive listener. Authentic listeners communicate the sentiment that what people have to say is important and that they care. As heartfelt listening happens we may experience surprise, joy, relief and closeness. Listening is a powerful practice. It enhances self-esteem, heightens confidence and cultivates friendship. Our habit of speaking rather than listening becomes apparent when we stop, observe, stay calm and quiet.

Staying calm and quiet is not tuning out. People instinctively notice when someone is not listening to them and may elect to terminate a conversation. Unresponsive listening generates a wide range of feelings and emotions in people. As listeners ourselves, we have all experienced this yet we appear to lack reasonable sensitivity. Intent on getting our point across, we frequently speak up, change the subject or take control of the conversation. For example: “Oh! You think that is bad, wait till you hear what happened to me.” The message projected here could be easily interpreted as: “My story is much more interesting than yours, so let me tell you all about mine instead.” Discourteous listening means we stand to lose empathy, breach any trust or connection and possibly create serious detachment in our close relationships.

Conceivably, it is fair to reason that some people have never been taught to listen and as such do not know how. People may argue “Why should I listen when no one listens to me?” Instead of debating or justifying, could it be wise to study the gift of listening and begin to model behaviour we would like to experience ourselves? During a thought provoking conversation, we may have to bite our tongue, resist the temptation to defend, or jump in and divulge information we believe is more appropriate. This situation typically occurs when we disagree or cannot understand what is being shared.

Do we step in when we believe a speaker is not really capable of solving their own problems? Could taking over a conversation be an awkward attempt to soften painful feelings that arise? It is possible. Yet when we try to rescue someone, problem solve, give advice or attempt to talk someone out of their feelings, they may miss an opportunity to learn more about themselves. And we in turn miss an opportunity to learn more about them. Numerous people discover creative answers to their problem when someone is sitting quietly and listening.

At times, listening to a person’s story may trigger our fears or concerns. It is important to notice our behaviour when we look away, become distracted, interrupt or change the subject. Explore and identify what is preventing you from being comfortable with listening. It may be useful to examine this unease in a professional therapy session. Learning to become a committed, caring listener is fun and quite easy. Applying any new skill takes time, patience and practice. However, these skills demonstrate respectful feelings that empower other people to adopt this practice.

Listening Gifts

Be interested, look interested. Sit at the speaker’s level, enthuse your eyes and body to say ‘I am interested’
Suspend judgement and criticism. Put your own thoughts and ideas aside. View the conversation from their perspective. Don’t formulate what you will say next.

Be aware of nonverbal cues. Notice the speed and tone of the voice, observe their posture and be aware of silence and sighs. A person’s eyes or expression can often define buried feelings.

Let them finish. Do not interrupt. Encourage the speaker to share more information. Use simple phrases such as “That sounds tough.” “Is this good or bad?” “How did you feel then?” “Do you have any other ideas?” “So what are your thoughts now?”

Don’t talk people into what is best for them. Allow people to learn their way. Lessons and experiences are what some people need in order to grow. It is wise to remember we don’t always know what is best for other people.

Ask them to repeat something you are unclear about. Be thoughtful and allow the conversation to stay with them. Tell the truth and ask them to repeat the part of which you are unsure.

Employ some active listening phrases. Simple phrases such as “Seems like you are…,” “am I right in thinking…?” “Do you mean…?”

End on a positive note. Thank the person for sharing something important with them, speak honestly and with kindness. Treat the person with respect and appreciation. “I am glad you are okay?”

Listening with intent is a gift. A gift that says you are important and I care about you. When we listen and give people our attention, we learn to understand another point of view. New facts and ideas become available to us and in the process we may enjoy unexpected feedback, new awareness and gain real personal growth. Talk to a therapist and discover ways to acquire positive listening skills, your relationships will flourish and your peaceful heart will thank you.

References: Paul. J., & Paul. M., (1988), From Conflict to Caring. CompCare Publishers. Minneapolis.