If I keep from commanding people, they behave themselves.

If I keep from preaching at people, they improve themselves.

If I keep from imposing on people, they become themselves.

LaoTzu

How do we define a respectful relationship? What is considered respectful behaviour by one person is quite different for another. However, most people agree that respect is generally understood as consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody or something. “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements” (Oxford Dictionary).

From an early age, we quickly learn behaviours that allow us to meet our core needs. Each person is a product of their family, their culture and their experience. The significant influence of family values and traditions do translate to very sound intergenerational legacies. Research indicates that people, who have not been encouraged from childhood to openly express their feelings, may consequently deny them. Relationships habitually teach us most about ourselves. If we desire a healthy, respectful relationship, it is important to examine our family legacies, decide which ones are worth keeping and then begin the tough journey towards enhancing our communication skills.

Without healthy fundamental and essential communication skills, we are destined to continual frustration, misunderstandings and loneliness. While people may love, respect or appreciate others in their relationship, defective communication or a misunderstood approach can translate into not feeling loved, valued or respected. In my therapy sessions, people may freely disclose that they know they are loved yet they do not ‘feel loved.’ Being loved and feeling loved are two very different things.

Within our relationships and our personal life cycles, we will most likely encounter some form of unacceptable behaviour. People assume that in a loving relationship, everyone else should instinctively know what to do. Relationships are similar to any professional skill in that they require ongoing study, practice and skill. Improved communication skills allow us to develop friendships and attract deep love relationships that enrich our lives. It is extremely important to learn how to nurture our relationships.

Meaningful communication is more easily achieved if we avoid power struggles. When people feel blamed they can also feel attacked and violated. Learning to navigate a difficult situation makes an enormous difference. If we communicate in a caring, assertive way and manage to keep our sense of humour, we create a sense of trust and develop authentic strength and honesty in all our relationships. This approach also ensures our self esteem and confidence is left unharmed.

Respectful Relationship Communication will always include:

Listening skills:  Be interested, look interested and let people finish what they are saying before jumping in with your thoughts. Give the gift of your attention.

Determine ownership: Who owns the problem? Everyone is responsible for solving their own problems. Providing answers to other people’s problems stunts their learning..

Ask for what you want. “I want you to listen while I talk” Use ‘I’ statements. Evaluate the importance of a problem before making it a huge issue. Remain honest at all times.

Check out all assumptions. “Do you mean…….?”  “Are you saying…….?” “Am I right in ……?”

Be sensitive to timing. Use good judgement. Ask “Is this a good time to talk?” Most people need time to prepare for serious conversations.

Keep a sense of humour. Laugh at yourself; remember everyone does silly things at times.

Be willing to make changes.  Respond to the other person and do not react, own what belongs to you and speak up about what part you are willing to change.

Keep focused in the here and now. Revising ancient history will only tend to confuse things. Keep clear on the one issue you want to discuss.

Take time out if things get tense. Cool down, say how important it is for you to talk about this and set a time to talk again.

Look for the lesson behind the problem. Situations arise so we can learn from them. Becoming so focused on what is wrong may mean you miss the valuable lesson.

Seek help. Therapy can help to resolve problems before they get right out of hand.

Experience does remind us that for better or worse, people’s behaviour can be repetitious. As adults we have a choice to repeat the patterns instinctively learnt throughout our life, or to consciously rise above old destructive patterns and create a happier, healthier life for ourselves.

We can choose to heal ourselves rather than harm our relationship. Professional therapy helps to uncover the hidden parts of ourselves. Good therapy provides education, new ways to communicate and helpful healing towards finding your peaceful heart.