For most people, letting go is deep-rooted in sadness. It is intensely painful and feels completely incurable. Whether it be a significant person passing away, a shattered relationship or even letting go of our adult children, it is difficult to let go. The concept of healing after a loss is not something we envisage in our lives. Regardless of a realistic possibility for future change, the reality is that we hurt today.

Very few people find it easy to let go or recover easily and serenely move away from a broken heart. Most people tend to hold on to their distress and disappointment. They continue to believe and expect that with persistence and determination, significant people will stay connected, return home or make vital lifestyle changes. All are indicators that life will eventually return to normal.

It is extremely challenging to acknowledge that while special people may not be with us for a long time, they will always hold an important place in our heart.

Growing up, we learn to observe the family rituals, values and attitudes modelled by our parents or caregivers. All families have their share of foolishness, unresolved issues, inflexibility and common sense. We faithfully adopt these behaviours and practices by adapting and weaving them into our life.

A large part of our learning in our formative family determines and shapes our whole relationship experience. We forget to question if the inherited family rituals and values fit into our current version of life, especially our new relationships. We forget that people in our lives will also bring with them a range of values and cultural expectations, belonging to their families. We seldom take time out to explore these differences.

Instead, we feel uncomfortable and offended when people view our version of reality as somewhat peculiar.

Looking back and pondering our life with significant others more closely and objectively, we may observe some of our spoken or unspoken expectations. Through a combination of choice and circumstance, people in our relationships refused to follow the plans we had for them. Had we paid more attention, we may have noticed that not all of our relationships were terribly happy.

Learning to let go, our dispositions and life learning will affect how we will respond. Similarly, our personalities and cultural background help determine the amount of distress we are able to endure throughout this process. Gradually we realise that we are moving through a series of stages and personal choices. We stop tugging on the same rope and slowly allow ourselves to grieve about our unfulfilled expectations and wishes for other people. We begin to comprehend the incredible journey towards letting go with love.

The act of letting go with love empowers us to deal openly with our disappointment and create an opportunity to change ourselves. It is within this process that our disappointment no longer causes so much pain. Employing the wisdom of professional help and patience, we are able to turn our attention away from our loss and move toward issues we need to address in our own life.

When situations do not turn out as anticipated, time permits us to give thought to the role we have played. The statement “If only I had done this, or that”, resonates with many people. ‘If only’ impairs our vision so that it is difficult to see anything beyond this. Perhaps, if we had communicated more openly when we had the chance, things may have been better. Yet, how would we know for sure?

Instinctively, we identify that there is no magic formula for keeping a grip on a relationship when the time has come to let go. No matter what clever interventions we initiate and could have applied at the time, hanging on is simply prolonging the inevitable and hurting ourselves.

While letting go is painful and hard, the trade-off is that the relationship has been meaningful. We now have the opportunity to become a better person, to learn more about our life and the superb joy found in loving someone with honesty and respect.

People finding it tough to let go, often experience a substantial swing towards healing emotional pain in their heart, by working with a therapist.

Professional therapy may provide support which promotes a shift in focus from what’s impossible, to the potential for change around what is probable.

Therapy makes it possible to find your peaceful heart, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

References.
Anderson, S.,(2014) The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Berkley Books. NY.