What happens when we observe that our partner, the one who normally has our back, appears to be distant and disconnected from us? If we perceive this behaviour to be genuine, our responses can be destructive and risky to our relationship. Without examining the evidence, creative imagination takes over and our emotional connection suffers. Instead of reflecting and responding with curiosity, we may act harshly by silencing, verbally attacking, or retreating into withdrawal. Hurtful responses and destructive habits increase and the negative messages we make public, only serve make our situation worse. In contrast, as humans we feel safe and secure when our emotional connection to the people we love is irrefutable. Paul & Paul. (1988)

A great deal of our behaviour boils down to trying to avoid pain. Controlling, criticising, giving in, rebelling and becoming indifferent are all responses to fear. Learning to understand what drives our fear and what belief is causing the fear, allows us to explore the belief’s origin. We can then check if the emotional thought is warranted, talk it out and if need be, get rid of it. Certainly it can be challenging to open up a new way of thinking. This requires effort and discipline and demands plenty of practice. It also means taking responsibility for making ourselves happy.

Many couples believe involvement with a significant other is a prerequisite for happiness. They become convinced that the love they long for means their partner must somehow be around to help them feel secure and worthy enough. Even so, innately we all sense how continual dependency eventually evolves into diminished personal responsibility. As such, when painful issues arise, we focus more on our partner and what they are doing, or not doing. We assign less emphasis to what we could do differently in the occurrence. We wind up demanding rather than requesting, and this often leads to power struggles rather than cuddles. Lerner. (2012) Power struggles then become standard and endurable.

Once a relationship develops a stable foundation of friendship and mutual respect, it can tolerate a fair amount of raw emotion. It is wise to open up a conversation about our concerns, without anger and blame. Our real intention will always be exposed in the tone of voice or the energy that we share; we all pick up on this. When we become defensive, we miss opportunities to learn about our partner and about ourselves. Breaking a power struggle requires real accountability. Speaking openly and honestly invites a sincere desire to rebuild a loving and emotional connection. Paul & Paul. (1988)

The minute we experience disconnection, we frequently resort to ways of coping that we learned as a child. New beginnings start with the awareness that our past relationships habitually shape our present ones. Johnson. (2008.) We require both wisdom and intuition to determine when we can no longer live with the status quo. Many people, after years of feeling unwanted and unheard in their relationships, suddenly up and leave. They begin to focus on a life they believe will be more satisfying and nourishing for them.

Our deepest fears and irrational beliefs are triggered in the relationships that are most important to us. Uncertainties create anxiety, principally with the potential loss of our connection. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves. Possibly our partner could hurt us when we need their support. We all need validation and reassurance from our loved ones. For example: “Will you listen to me?” “Can I count on you?” “Are you there for me?” “Will you reassure me if I feel unsafe?” In spite of this, our inclination is to deny or ignore our fragility. Johnson. (2008)

Our hearts long to tell the people we love what we are really feeling; yet the unwanted thought of being rejected often taints our conversations. The tentacles of self-doubt reach out. We end up saying things we don’t mean at all. Conversely, as self-doubt and insecurity show up, we could investigate. “Oh this is interesting”. “What is my part in this?” “What could I do differently?” “What is my lesson here?” “How could I be a bit more committed?” Lerner. (2017). Unfortunately it is hard to develop a strong secure connection unless we allow our partner to see and hear who we really are.

Judgements and disrespect are so intertwined in our daily life that we rarely stop to consider the devastating effects on ourselves and on others. Harbouring resentment, anger and blame is not helpful for your own healing, Paul & Paul. (1988). When we focus on building emotional connection, we learn to forgive. Our self-esteem rises and we are more capable of sharing love. It becomes possible to delight in owning a truly peaceful heart.

Yours in therapy,

Jill Bayly

References.

Paul. J., &Paul. M., (1988) From Conflict to Caring. Evolving Publishers. California: L.A.

Johnson, S., (2008) Hold Me Tight. Little Brown and Company: N.Y.

Lerner, H., (2017) Why Won’t You Apologise? Penguin Random House: N’Y.