“Our words have the power to create profound healing, or incredible suffering, yet even with the best of intentions, it is often difficult to express ourselves in ways that build harmony and trust” Rosenberg, M.(2003). 

Have you ever been curious as to why people spend so much time playing the game called “who is right and who is wrong”? The temptation of being the winner and making another person a loser is a trap. Couples fight over whose bad behaviour started the discussion and whether details are true or false. Competitive couples often insist on presenting the finest argument and delight in owning the closing statement, thereby proving to others how intelligent they are. Word games can be fun. However, going all out to make someone else appear wrong guarantees fun will disappear and resentment will intensify.

Emotions play out in the way we respond and communicate with other people, predominantly the people we love or feel close to. The dynamics of emotions, along with our perceptions of them, often create themes of disturbed connections and can generate unhealthy patterns. Unsettling events and personal traumas often occur in the early stages of life. Unless these issues are identified and healed, they may continue to surface throughout our life. This situation transforms into a cycle of disconnection with the very people we love the most.

Anxiety often escalates when people feel threatened or at risk of being alone. Many adults find themselves starting fights with their loved ones who may be travelling to work or leaving for a short trip. Couples may feel threatened and sense that something is amiss and respond with aggression. Our behaviour is often a clumsy attempt to calm the uncomfortable feelings that come from an unfounded belief involving our own inadequacy.

Falling into patters of doing and saying things that aren’t good for us, takes a toll on our self-image. Each time we do this we violate and sacrifice our sense of wholeness. Creating healthy boundaries enables us to maintain the stability of feeling safe. There is something very healing in being able to express honest thoughts, without fear of harsh repercussion.

“The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to our partners, calls to stir their hearts, to draw our mate back in emotionally and re-establish a sense of safe connection.” (Johnson, S. 2008)

Our self-respect and level of maturity rests squarely on our ability to see ourselves objectively, to be aware of the way our behaviour affects other, and to acknowledge when we have communicated at another person’s expense. Accepting responsibility makes it possible to repair a connection, even when we behave badly. Discarding cruel word games permits us to embrace optimism, and find a healthier and more respectful approach. In addition, sharing a true and frank apology earns respect, even when the other person is unwilling to verbally admit this.

The sad part is that every time we allow someone to hurt us with cynical word games, insults or criticism, we are colluding with them to provide a reinforcement that this is Ok, it is OK to hurt us. Word games rob us of one of our most valuable possessions, our integrity. We habitually revert to old patterns because they are familiar and provide reassuring structure.

Revitalising our relationships requires us to reveal how we are willing to take responsibility for our part in a struggle. At times it may be hard not cut in and share our own version of the truth. However, every so often it is helpful to take stock of our defensiveness, to simply listen without the need to protect or counterattack.  Essential also, is to reflect on areas where we have done the right thing and allowed the person to own their feelings while we look for the message behind the words, hurt or unhappiness.

Expressing our needs and emotions confirm how patterns develop and trick us into believing the “wrong versus right” story. When our connection is resilient and safe, word games can be identified and outlawed. Learning to concede that we each have sensitive points, will permit us to talk about complex issues in a way that moves them closer to us. As we sit comfortably with the truth, it becomes possible to safely exhibit the values and principles we carefully choose to guide our lives.

I resonate with the words of Sue Johnson (2008), “Those we love are our mirror”.  Be mindful of how the circle of criticism spins everyone out of control. If we want people to respect and honour our concerns, then word games, criticism and sarcasm must go.

Courage, respect and trust are the keys. Expressions of love and safety continue to remain loyal and loving qualities, ones that light the way to your peaceful heart.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love”. Tom Robbins.

Yours in Therapy,

Jill Bayly.

References.

Forward, S., 1997. Emotional Blackmail. Harper Collins: NY.

Johnson, S., (2008). Hold Me Tight. Little Brown and Company: N.Y.

Rosenberg, M., (2015) Non Violent Communication. PuddelDancer Press. U.S.A.

Rosenberg, M., (2003) Speaking Peace. Sounds True. U.S.A.