For most people, sharing a relationship is an excellent opportunity to gain interesting, discerning information about a significant person in their life. This learning can lead us to discover more about ourselves. It helps us to notice and deepen things we consider important, while examining, discovering and appreciating our unique individuality. In this way we come to know, understand and appreciate our true self.

Working on the self involves redefining and enhancing our connectedness to others. This connection supports and develops personal communication which improves our ability to share trust and honesty with all types of people. Healthy relationships assist us to initiate change, improve intimacy and generate options that create joy and fulfilment over a life time.

People often find it daunting or exceptionally challenging in their relationship, to be themselves in an authentic or genuine way, while allowing their partner to do the same. Numerous people believe relationships could improve if they were able to ‘fix, change, reinvent, or improve’ their partner. Many people believe they are more of an ‘expert’ in another’s life than that person is themselves. They invest a great deal of energy and time into presenting and promoting their perception of a ‘required change’. A change that in their opinion, would make a huge difference to the relationship.

People often prefer another person to communicate in a certain manner too. This want or need, can be based upon particular values, personal expectations, their upbringing, and their family training. The preference usually includes specific wishes. However, when pushed to follow their partner’s demands, particularly those that do not fit with alternative personal values, people tend to become anxious, frustrated and devalued as a person.

It is interesting that many of the characteristics couples deem to be particularly challenging in a fading relationship, are often the very same qualities they found to be fascinating and exciting in the initial stages. People may complain that their partner or friend is too loud, or too outgoing, when at first meeting they considered these attributes to be fun and animated, even charming.

Studying a relationship breakdown, it becomes possible to explore the countless ways we may have personally contributed to its demise. This awareness can be extremely confronting and very painful. People often find it easier to deny their part and lay the blame elsewhere. Some people choose to seek advice from friends who express little investment in improving their own relationships.

While seeking advice is helpful, we may neglect to acknowledge the abilities we already possess. We disregard our own wisdom and resilience and often overlook the countless strengths and skills we have diligently acquired throughout the years. Accepting responsibility necessitates meaningful self-reflection, and may require assuming some thoughtful accountability.

Perhaps it is less threatening this way and permits us to reject change that could be potentially helpful or at least worth investigating. Nevertheless, if we are willing to remain open to considering how our behaviour is contributing to problems in a relationship, we have moved a step closer to a genuine and authentic sense of self.

It is never too late to learn some innovative and creative skills that breathe new life into a relationship.
Check in with yourself and ask questions such as:
• “What circumstance did I allow to affect me today?”
• “When could I have been more present today?”
• “Where could I have communicated more respectfully today?”

Notice how your ‘emotional state’ can fluctuate throughout the day, depending on activities, people, places and things with which you come in contact.

If you have a sense that your relationship may benefit from some professional support to restore balance, reignite tenderness, promote wellbeing and kindness and re-establish priorities, it may be time to speak to a qualified therapist about addressing the difficult or sensitive issues that will lead you patiently towards your preferred future and finding your peaceful heart.

“At least I knew who I was when I got up this morning,
But I think I must have been changed several times since then”.
Lewis Carroll. Alice in Wonderland. (1865)

References:
Johnson, S.(2008) Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown and Company: New York.