Difficult conversations often require us to speak up and present a clear base line to others. In my practice this month, I noticed a theme involving the well known circular dance we call ‘pretending things are OK for the sake of other people’.

Scott, (2002) shared that “All conversations are with myself and sometimes they involve other people”. People of all cultures and background often struggle with “what to say to who” and “when to say it”. Some people argue “If I was honest with my boss I would not have a job” or “If I shared how I perceive his lack of sensitivity, he would not listen” or “Mum would feel dreadful if I shared that” and “If I told him how I really feel, he may leave me for good”.

It is hard to feel safe when ‘talking truth’, particularly in the workplace. With this in mind, we remain safe by keeping our thoughts to our self. Adopting this approach, we immediately register to play a game of deception within our important relationships.
Sometimes, taking a strategic position can be extremely astute. However we all appreciate how comfortable it is to experience that sense of emotional safety when we deal and work with a person willing to act with transparency and who brings sensitive issues to the table. Most people value someone who is prepared to tell the truth.

For many of us, it can be easy to justify backing out of a challenging conversation. For example, “What do I know, he is the expert!” We often elect to remain silent when someone over rides something we say, or perhaps agree to someone changing a conversation’s content into something they believe is far more relevant or interesting. While shutting down and choosing silence as opposed to generating a confrontation is often a wise survival skill, speaking honestly and respectfully can create a foundation of openness and build trust. Failing to tell the truth and walking away from a challenging conversation is often easier. This approach may become our preference with the consequences often proving to be equally as damaging. However, if managed positively, ‘sharing truth’ may provide valuable learning opportunities and help us to address deeper issues.

So how do we get past our feelings? These feelings speak to us of their insecurity and present a very logical argument for anchoring ‘pretending’ into our difficult conversations. When we give in to ‘pretending’ and simply let go of our values and beliefs, we make it impossible to remain centred and authentic in our own lives. ‘Pretending’ becomes comfortable hanging around in our life and settles in, refusing to move on. We are now caught in its clever trap.

A trade-off of this nature is a significant price to pay when deciding to live and maintain a life congruent with our values. The impact on the relationship with ourselves and others while creating our own genuine, peaceful heart is significant. Your investment in speaking honestly is returned with an ability to communicate with respect and dignity. This action encourages other people to reap the benefits, gain pleasure from the experience and opens up fresh dialogue for essential future conversation.

Standing up to Pretending
• You have a right to confront issues that concern you.
• You have the right to ask questions.
• You have the right to disagree.

Remember it is OK to:
• Check your authenticity – “Who was I really defending?”
• Ask yourself – “How could I do this differently next time?”
• Speak out about – “options for respect and honesty”
• Choose at least three “reframes” to practice
• Find a great therapist and talk things through

References.
Titelman, P. (2003) Emotional Cutoff . New York: Hayward Press. Inc.
Weinhold, J.B. & Weinhold, B.K. (2008) The Flight from Intimacy. California: Library of Congress.
Scott, S. (2004) Fierce Conversations. New York: Berkely Publishing.