The feeling of shame is often described as a sense of smallness, worthlessness, and powerlessness in certain circumstances. Shame can materialize as being self-absorbed, self-centered, and particularly isolating.

The more prone someone is to feeling shame, the more likely they are to have self-esteem deficits, blame others, hold onto resentments, and the less likely they are to feel empathy. Shame often comes from being taught that we are worthless, useless or bad. It can begin in early childhood.

Childhood shame will appear as a result of continual parent hostility, parent’s inability to recognise positive behaviour, lack of discipline, neglect, over protectiveness, child in a parent care role, love withdrawn as punishment, cruel acts of public humiliation and discipline that says self as opposed to behaviours is not OK. Personal comments when focused on people’s behaviour can humiliate and wound for a lifetime. People can suffer deeply with this type of psychological treatment; current research provides us with strong evidence of wounded people turning to alcohol, drugs, other addictive behaviours, or even becoming impulsive criminals.

Shame is quite different to guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s more about who we are. Learning about guilt means it is normal to make mistakes. Learning to be proud of who we are, helps us to heal shame.

Words such as: “What is the matter with you?” “What would people think of you if they knew?” “You look ridiculous!” “Don’t you have any pride?” “You are such an idiot”.”I can’t stand it when you do that” “What’s wrong with you anyway?” “”You will never amount to anything!” “I wish you were never born!”  “Why do you always do this to me?” “You are worthless!” “You’re a waste of space” etc can leave a lasting mark on people’s self esteem. When we feel threatened in this manner, the psychological message is the same: “You do not matter”  “You are a weak person”

Nearly everyone has a deep need to be acknowledged, and to be recognized for who they truly are. But when people believe they are insignificant, they generate certain behaviours that keep their perceptions alive for others to observe. Many people are influenced by another, or convince themselves they have no value. They worry continually about what others think of them, or believe others are judging them. Even when praised or reassured, some view this as a form of judgement, they may feel OK for a while, but deep down believe people wouldn’t like them if they “really knew who they are.”

Emotionally wounded people often lash out towards others in their families. Hence the term, ‘hurt people, hurt people’, generally people do not hurt their families and friends because they truly want to hurt them. Many hurt their families and friends out of the desire to be “acknowledged” – and out of the mistaken belief and feeling that they are worthless and not accepted. When points for improvement are raised, some people cry, others fire up and project immense anger at another for “saying such horrible things”. Many find it hard to appreciate constructive criticism concerning behaviour, and so take these comments extremely personally.

Every person overcoming shame needs to experience reliable and credible sources of support and acceptance. The more we can trust people in our life, the more we begin to find new meaning to satisfy our core needs. People who’ve been deeply shamed simply want love, acceptance and trust. Some people find a mate who understands, loves, and values them. Others find friends who can accept, care for, and value them unconditionally.  Locating a professional therapist helps. Therapy sessions will reconstruct a strong sense of self ending the disrespectful and dishonouring self-talk.

Overcoming shame takes time. But with patience, it is possible to ‘find your peaceful heart”.

References

Schore, Allan: Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. 2003.

Tangney & Dearing: Shame and Guilt. 2002. August 1, 2007